


You're Gonna Go Far, Kid

by Gothikalea



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Anxiety, Bad Writing, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Inconsistent Writing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Narcissism, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triangle Bill Cipher, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 04:09:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6358750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gothikalea/pseuds/Gothikalea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dipper Pines desperately wants to die.</p><p>(originally kill your heroes - i deleted it in a bout of anxiety and am reposting it, sorry.)</p><p>listen this is on hiatus maybe?? i might write more i just feel really really anxious about this fic idk</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> make sure not to read this

Dipper Pines desperately wants to die.

Light streams through the same familiar triangle window onto him as he gazes lifelessly at his laptop. He sits at the same desk from almost a decade ago, but this time he's surrounded by not mystery books and adventure journals but rather empty take-out boxes, snack wrappers, and soda cans. Dipper breathes in and out deeply, closing his eyes and massaging the skin in between his eyebrows, then opens his eyes and hurriedly refreshes his email. His heart drops when he sees the familiar (0), and he grimaces, not in sadness but rather in annoyance. He knows he should feel disappointment, but instead, he just feels empty - as empty as his inbox, he muses darkly. He knows he's not qualified for any part-time jobs. Hell, he's just a college dropout. Still, he wishes he'd get a reply – at least a rejection would give him some sort of closure.

He moves his arm to angle the laptop down from the noon sun and accidentally hits a Styrofoam take-out box to the floor. He eyes the conglomeration of trash on his desk and wills himself to either go take a shower or at least throw some of the wrappers away. Even the trash can next to him is full, overflowing with week old gunk.

'What would Mabel think of me now?' he thinks, bitterly, and it motivates him enough to take some of the soda cans and try to stuff them in the bin. He accidentally pushes too hard and knocks it over, and papers and wrappers scatter all across the wooden floor. Dipper curses, leaning down from his chair and stuffing most of the trash back inside.

He stands up. The rest of the room isn't any better. There are jeans and shirts littered haphazardly across the floor everywhere except on Mabel's side. Her bed and the space around it is empty, a constant reminder to Dipper of his failures. He was the objectively smarter of the twins, and yet he ended up as the one who flunked out of college, unable to complete his Biology degree. His parents had angrily sent him to Gravity Falls halfway through the semester after he failed core classes yet again, and told him to get a job to pay back the failed student loans and sort his life out by the end of the summer. “Or else,” they had said, and Dipper didn’t know what that meant, but he didn’t really want to know, either.

Dipper sighs, wondering how he even got this low. He looks around the room again, this time with apathy, and settles favorably on the idea of food. He ends up tripping over his clothes on his way out of his room, much to his annoyance.

Luckily, Soos is out front in the shop, so there's only a minimal chance that Dipper has to deal with him. He appreciates that Soos leaves him alone most of the time. His parents had worked out a deal with the Ramirez family, and seeing as they had been family friends, Dipper was more than welcome to stay. At the beginning, Soos invited him to help in the shop, but quickly realized that Dipper wasn't the same boy as he was all those years ago. Now whenever they see each other, it's painfully awkward small talk and insincere smiles. Dipper hates himself - he knows he's a burden to them, just like he is to everyone else. He just wishes he knew what to do about it.

The freezer blasts Dipper's face with cold air when he opens it. He shivers, flicking his eyes up and down the shelves. They're full of various microwavable dinners. Dipper quickly takes a Hot Pocket and sticks it in the microwave, and grabs another soda can, flicking the tab open and taking a sip while he waits. He's not particularly hungry, but food will help him to fill the void - at least for a little while.

As he returns to his room, he hears the familiar sound of a Skype notification. He sighs - it's probably Mabel - and makes his way back to his laptop, more careful to avoid the heaps of clothes this time, since tripping could result in food flying everywhere. The icon flashes with two more notifications as he sits down. He smiles weakly. It's definitely Mabel.

Mabel: How you holdin up, bro-bro?  
Mabel: Hey? Dippin Dots?  
Mabel: You there?

After some thought, he types out a reply.  
Dipper: great! i feel much better after being at home for a few weeks. 

It's better to lie to her. He doesn't feel particularly attached to his sister anymore - he doesn't feel attached to anything anymore - but knows that it's the right thing to do. So they talk a bit, Dipper messaging her in between bites of his dinner, and he reassures her that he's fine, that everything's going to be okay. He promises that he'll work his life out by the end of summer.

But the truth is that nothing is okay. His parents are waiting on him to reply with his plans for the future, and he's just not sure what to do. He's been unsure for a long time. He doesn't know if, with his - whatever this is - he can even return to college, doesn't know if he can even hold a job, doesn't know why he ended up being such a waste of space, doesn't know anything...

The thoughts swirl around in his head and every muscle in his body tenses. 'Useless failure,' his mind chants, and his vision unfocuses. 'Nobody's going to reply to your job search! You're trash just like everything else in your room,' he sobs tearlessly, and begins to shakily rub his thumb over his wrist. Everything inside him is screaming to scratch himself!!!! bleed everything out! so he puts his hands in his hair instead, to protect whatever sanity he has left, and then his mind screams at him how successful he could have been if he had just tried a little harder and he pulls on his hair, wanting to just tear it out, rip it out like everything he's ever done wrong and start anew. Instead, he smashes his fists against the desk with a loud thud. He moans softly from the pain, and smiles in the temporary bliss that accompanied it. In a brief moment of sanity, he opens up Chrome instead and opens up Netflix, quickly navigating to a harmless, brainless show.

Dipper takes the rest of the now less than warm hot pocket and stuffs it in his mouth, shuddering. He needs to distract himself now, before he does anything he regrets.


	2. Chapter 2

Dipper starts getting antsy. His head pounds incessantly, and the subtitles on his screen begin to blur into each other. He hasn’t moved all day and his body aches, itching for him to do something physical. The brunette checks the time - it's nearly three AM. He’s sat here doing fuck all for almost fifteen hours. ‘Great,’ he thinks, sourly. ‘I’m alive to live another day.’ He tries not to think about whether that’s actually a good thing or not.

His gaze flickers to the triangular window above him and he reminisces again, probably the hundredth time by now since he moved back in, remembering that summer so many years ago. Back then, he had believed he could do anything. He’d been so inquisitive and naïve; every experience was a new experience and there was just so much to live for. He had even saved the world! Lord knows how he’d managed to do that. But the spark from his youth was long gone, replaced by cynicism and boredom and something he couldn’t quite place.

He pauses the show and blinks.

He considers if now is a good time to take that shower, but then remembers it's three in the morning and doesn't want to risk wake up Soos's family. Perhaps he'll take a walk instead. It’s the perfect time for that, for sure. No pesky tourists to deal with, no small talk and no “Dipper Pines, yep, that’s me, the boy who saved your town, oh yeah I’m doing great, most days I just wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again, but besides that, I’m doing wonderful.”

He rummages around the piles of clothing on the floor as quietly as possible, putting on a familiar vest. It reeks – but so does he, he still hasn’t taken that shower – and the whole point of going out at night is that no one’s around.

He carefully walks down the stairs, and inhales sharply when the last step creaks loudly. 

He’s filled with relief, and starts breathing regularly again when the synchronized snoring of Soos and his grandmother resumes.

Dipper slips out the door, shutting it quietly, and heads straight out into the forest. For the first time in a while, he feels free. Out here, for a little while at least, there were no F’s on report cards, no angry parents, no existential crises, no suicidal thoughts. It was just him, the trees, and whatever magic the forest might have left after all these years. The slight chill of the air brushes against his skin and the smell of earth and woods fills his nostrils, and it makes him feel young again, like he’s twelve and going on an adventure. It makes him giddy, and he smiles so wide it becomes painful.

Dipper runs straight forward for a while. He can’t see well – it’s way too dark, and the moonlight only illuminates patches of ground, but he doesn’t care if he trips, he runs through the brambles without a care, runs until his legs burn from exhaustion, and then runs some more. When he reaches a clearing he finally stops, panting harshly, and lets the calmness take over him. It’s a clear night with a round full moon, and Dipper gazes up into the stars. He recognizes a certain seven stars almost immediately. His name was written up there in the heavens, plain for anyone to see – he’d always hoped that it meant maybe, just maybe, that destiny had great things planned for him. 

He looks down at himself, in the same unwashed clothes for weeks and covered in bloody scratches and dirt, and scowls.

Apparently not.

Suddenly, Dipper’s good mood is cut short. The previous grin on his face slips into an all too familiar frown, and he continues walking straight forward through the clearing and deeper in the forest, but this time with much decidedly less enthusiasm.

The moment was kind of ruined, and he’s never been this deep in the woods before, so Dipper starts considering going back. He’s about to turn around and head home to the shack, but gets cut short by a cheerful voice he hasn’t heard in seven years, but one that he wouldn’t have forgotten in a lifetime.

“Well well well! If it isn’t Pine Tree!”

Dipper’s eyes widen. It couldn’t be. He turns around, and lo and behold, it’s Bill, dream demon of days past, looking the same as ever. His glow illuminates the trees, casting golden shadows onto the earthy floor and roots and Dipper has to admit it’s actually quite beautiful.

Bill, of course, has to ruin the moment.

“You smell absolutely horrible, by the way!”


	3. Chapter 3

Dipper gives the triangle a dirty look. Did dream demons even have olfactory senses?

Speaking of which, this isn’t a dream, right? Maybe he fell asleep at his laptop. He winces at the thought – from prior experience, he knows that if he had, then he would definitely be in pain in the morning. Dipper squints, trying to summon something with all his might. Bill stares at him, seemingly in even more interest, but nothing else happens.

Not a dream, then.

“What do you want?” Dipper asks, tersely. He begins regretting his decision of walking out so deeply in the woods. 

The triangle shrugs. "You tell me, kid! You're the one who walked into my part of the forest! Almost stepped over my summoning platform, too!"

Dipper looks down at the ground. He’s right, the summoning platform is visible next to him, but only because of Bill’s glow. It’s made of stone, and is weathered and cracked by the ages.

Then he snarls. "I'm not a kid anymore,” Dipper says, glowering, and he also thinks to himself, bitterly, 'Next year I won't even be a teen anymore.’

Bill humms, crossing his arms against his triangle body. "Whatever ya say, kid!" 

That annoys Dipper more than he had expected it to.

His brain is screaming at him again, bringing up his immaturity and how he needs to grow up and of course even demons that he hadn’t seen for years can immediately pick up on it and be condescending to him. Dipper starts breathing shallowly, and he narrows his eyes. He spouts angrily, "If you have no business with me, then get out of my way,” and angrily waves his arm to the side as a warning. 

The demon cackles. His eye widens, and his slit of a pupil follows the boy. “Oh, Pine Tree. I’m always down to talk business!”

Dipper pushes past Bill, growling. He should have known the demon would be ridiculous. This night had turned out even worse than he had expected.

Bill begins to float around him in circles. "So whaddya want? Money? Fame? Women?"

Dipper squints at Bill, who is now up in front of him and definitely in his way. He contemplates giving Bill his body and just wandering the Earth as a ghost for all of eternity doing whatever he wants in exchange for being left alone. It doesn't seem like too bad of an idea, until he remembers that his body will probably be used to do horrible things like kill his family in his name. He considers asking for death, but wonders what will become of his soul, and doubts that whatever happens will be good. He mulls over the thought of recovery, but isn't sure if he even wants it.

Finally, he just sighs. "Everyone wants lots of things," he shrugs. "I'm just tired of trying."

A spark of recognition flickers through the demon's one eye, and his glowing lowers considerably. They stand at an impasse for a while in the middle of the woods, crickets chirping around them. Bill stares at Dipper and Dipper stares at the ground. The boy makes a move to leave again and Bill finally speaks up.

"I'm stuck in this forest," the demon says, and this time his voice is much less cheery. In fact, it's downright scathing. "Sixer bound me here when he figured out his plan failed. For years, I've been stuck in this physical form." His eye turns red. "I can't even access even the mindscape anymore!"

Dipper looks at him with pity. So they were both poor, pathetic souls. "I'm sorry," he says simply.

The triangle starts cackling. His eye turns white again, and his yellow glow comes back full force. He begins enlarging, setting Dipper into a panic. Apparently the demon still had full control over his physical form, and matter, too. "That's a lie!" Bill says cheerfully, swooping in, and flicking Dipper on the nose. "You don't feel anything for anyone, do ya?"

Dipper gulps, his eyes widening. His heart pounds heavily and he instinctually backs away, and lets out a squeak when he trips over the summoning platform. He gasps as he falls on the hard cold stone.

The demon shrinks himself, hovering over to Dipper, and instead begins flashing colors. "I'm bored, Pine Tree. You think you've fallen?" He presents a blue hologram of himself, rewinding back through his reign during Weirdmaggedon. "I used to be omnipresent! I’ve killed countless innocents, ruled over dimensions, controlled space and matter and time even!"

The brunette looks pained.

“But none of that matters. Now I’m stuck here! With you!”

The demon wraps one of his arms in a loop around one of Dipper’s arms, and starts dragging him deeper into the forest. Dipper screeches as his legs drag against dead leaves and dirt, and tugs harshly on Bill’s arm and takes the opportunity to stand up.

“Where are you taking me?” He demands, brushing the leaves and dirt off his body.

“Your death!” Bill replies gleefully, and scoffs when Dipper pulls away in fear. “Just kidding! Sheesh, kid, you gotta learn to relax!”

He keeps tugging Dipper along, and after a while, the human stops resisting and starts following with a resigned sigh. They walk together through the forest, Bill glowing brightly to lead the way, and Dipper avoids roots and branches. He doesn’t trip now that he can see, and he thinks, vaguely, ‘The world looks pretty in gold.’

The forest is mostly quiet now, except for the wind and the rustling of leaves underneath his feet, and Dipper finds himself relaxing much like Bill’s words. 

 

When they finally stop and he looks up, he begins panicking again. They’re at the entrance to a small cave. The triangular demon unwraps his arm around the boy, and floats into the cave wordlessly. He beckons with stretched arms for Dipper to join him.

After a few seconds, Dipper thinks why the hell not, and follows him inside, bending his head down slightly to get through the entrance.

His breath is promptly taken away.


	4. Chapter 4

If Dipper had thought Bill’s glow had been beautiful before, it’s nothing compared to now. It’s slightly colder inside the cave than outside, but Dipper ignores it for what’s in front of him. Blue fluorescent mushrooms of various sizes surround him, and the small grotto is illuminated by their glow. The largest ones are almost half his size, and the smaller ones maybe a thumb’s length. He looks at the round glowing caps in fascination and feels a want to pluck a specimen and take it home to research. His eyes travel over to Bill, and near the demon, the neon blue of the mushrooms mingles with Bill Cipher’s own glow. Dipper feels inexplicably drawn to the golden light.

The intermittent sound of water dripping from the stalactites brings him back from his thoughts, and he walks over and sits down next to Bill, who seems amused by the human’s fascination.

As they sit there silently, Dipper begins to recognize his own ache for the demon’s company, and he hates himself for it. He knows Bill took him here to tempt him with knowledge beauty. It's not right to talk to him. Somebody is going to end up hurt somehow, someday.

“What’s gotcha in a rut, kid?”

Dipper opens his mouth and then closes it again. He does this several times, and looks over at the triangle. Bill just floats there, waiting.

"I feel so sick," Dipper finally spits out, angrily. He glances at Bill, who does nothing, says nothing, just stares blankly at him to let Dipper know that he has the demon’s attention. So he grinds his teeth together and suddenly, the words just fall out. "I just - I try to talk to people, but no one understands! I feel so empty and tired. And everyone just - just calls me lazy, they're so angry at me, o-or, they look at me with pity, with disappointment. Sometimes, I just want to KILL them all! Blow their heads right off!" He makes a finger gun and raises it up, shooting it. "Boom!"

He gives a worried glance at Bill and quickly says, "Not that I would, of course. I just can't stand it anymore sometimes!" He shakes his head, clenching his fists. "It's like I'm not even living anymore, I'm just existing and waiting to die. Everything is so EMPTY! I can't even feel emotion anymore!!" Dipper runs his finger through his hair maniacally. 

Then he settles down, and murmurs bitterly, "When's the last time I cried?"

Bill blinks, and elongates his arm, pulling the brunette close to him. Dipper winces when he’s pulled into the sharp edges of the triangle, and is about to back off when he realizes how warm the triangle is. Instead, he finds himself subconsciously leaning into the angles, seeking more heat.

The boy’s a straight up narcissist. Bill knows the type, he’s dealt with it before countless times. Covert narcissism is arguably the worse of the two, since most don’t realize it until it’s too late, but dealing with both is relatively the same difficulty. Flattery is key, and he can be used any way he wants as long as he feels unique and important and Bill remains interesting. Honestly, the kid probably wouldn’t want recovery even if it stared him in the face, and for the first time in years, Bill sees his ticket out of this damned forest and maybe even to greater things.

So he says, "So what’s the problem?" and Dipper's breath hitches. He finally pushes the demon away, and looks at him incredulously. He’s being ridiculous, of course. Was he even listening?

Bill rolls his eye at the human’s surprised expression. "You should be happy! Human emotions are extremely useless!"

Now Dipper knows that isn't true. Determination is one emotion he’d like to have back, so he can get on with his life. He frowns. Is determination even an emotion? Or is it fueled by emotion?

Bill interrupts his thoughts. "Look, Pine Tree. You want answers? You want to feel something again? You miss being useful? Let me into your mind.”

Dipper leers at him, unconvinced, so the demon continues. “I’m thousands of years old. I’ve got all the answers and I know ways to cope with just about anything.” The triangle hovers dangerously close to Dipper. “And if a side effect is you finally live up to your potential, that’s just a bonus!”

Dipper feels uncomfortable with the demon so close to his face. “Y-yeah, and you?” 

Bill hovers away and lies back, crossing his legs. "I'll be able to get into the mindscape again. And of course, your help to reverse six finger’s curse is expected.“ He makes a show of looking at his hand, which is suddenly engulfed in blue flame. His eye is half-lidded as he glances at Dipper. “You’re smart, kid. One of a kind. If anyone can do it, it’s you.”

Dipper smiles a little from the flattery, and looks away from Bill down to the glowing mushrooms. It's very tempting. He's wanted to feel useful for a long time. But…

"You might try to end the world again," he murmurs.

Bill laughs, whacking the brunette with his cane. "Don’t lie to yourself, kid. How much would you really care if I did?"

The demon holds out his hand, and Dipper stares at it. ‘Why not?’ he reasons as he takes it in his own. ‘It’s not like he could make me feel much worse…right?’

And when Dipper returns home, the birds chirping and morning dew on the grass underneath his feet, he’s smiling genuinely for once.


End file.
